No one escapes it. At some point in your life and likely still today, someone somewhere says to you “you are too much ________”. It may be expressed differently, like “Can’t you stop ________” or “Don’t be so_________”. And it hits you in your gut, your core.
Sure, sometimes we can all benefit from taking a step back and curious about a new perspective. I am not talking about those times. I want to differentiate and talk about the “somethings” that are core to who you are, how you express, how you process, how you think, how you communicate, how you receive, how you appreciate, how you love, how you create, how you put you out in the world.
When I was little I was constantly told I was too expressive, too fidgety, too silly, too emotional, too big in some way, too imaginative. Later in life as I grew up, began a career expressing my passions, I was told I was too emotional, too unrealistic, too aggressive, too defensive, too out of control, too deep, too intense, too complicated and yes too emotional. Sometimes the message was from people I love and respect, others from peers, bosses and co-workers. I have even been told I was a force to be reckoned with (said with fear not excitement).
Do you Feel What I Feel?
When I was young, I didn’t know to question others. I didn’t know about intuition. I didn’t know about projection. I thought everyone felt what I felt inside. The feedback was confusing as it went against my core, what I was feeling, what my intuition said. I was just reacting to world around me spontaneously, I didn’t know any better, and I was still innocent. It made me feel crazy and hurt. I felt I had to abandoned parts of myself in order to fit in, be accepted and loved. I learned the hard way to silence my tongue, repress my creativity, hide my truths and stay small.
In my twenties and thirties as I matured, I took more risks and rebelled, and I had my defenses all ready to go. I got angry and emotional. I would beat myself up and lecture myself to stop, repeating the voices of my childhood. It still confused me, why others who seemed to be my allies or would benefit from my work were the ones keeping me small. I often blamed people, cultures and institutions trying to manage.
I appeared strong, competent and bold on the outside, but inside I was mush. My self-esteem and confidence was almost non-existent. Tell me to calm down and that just light my fire. I had given up all my power to value and see my light and gifts to others. I was taught I couldn’t see them and so I didn’t. I depended upon others approval of me to matter. This played out in all my relationships at work, friends, family and home.
I don’t know exactly what or when I turned, because it was a process, not an event. I had enough self-loathing and pity and decided that I would look inside me and see if indeed there was something to love and value. If others saw something in me that was good, special and even great, could I look through their lens and see it too? I asked myself questions, what does it mean to be too intense, too emotional, too anything? How does someone else know what is too little or too much for me?
Permission Granted
As I gave myself permission to be emotional and express without judgement, that act alone was me valuing me. Me seeing me. And when I did that, I did not need someone else to validate what I was feeling to make it matter. As I could do more of that, I could also begin to include a witness in my interactions. That part of me that can step back, while other parts are “in” it and see for myself what is mine to own and what is not. I refused to shut down my too muchness in my inner world—to just try that on and see.
That is when I experienced that ability to see projection. The times when others said I was too much or stop doing or being too much – because it was too much for them. My too muchness required them to change or adapt or be uncomfortable and so they told me to stop being too much. It is a power play. I either keep my power or give it up to others—who will always ask me to do something they need. They don’t know what I need, even if they love me.
When we tell ourselves or others that their feelings and needs are illegitimate it causes harm. We have to start where we are with you acknowledging, valuing, seeing and counting your too muchness, now and every time. Don’t let anyone discount what you feel; it is your wisdom speaking to you. Our emotions are designed to let us know when our hearts, minds, passions, intentions and actions are aligned or are in danger, self-imposed or external. The intensity of our emotions match the intensity of need, desire and action.
There is no wrong or bad intensity. Feeling your emotions, your intensity, your too muchness is not the same as acting on it. By feeling it, allowing it a voice, you can understand what you need, want or desire and from that understanding (head and heart) you can decide right timing for right action.
How you feel is always legitimate
It is not possible to be too much of you. That is your job, to be you. If that makes others uncomfortable, it is their opportunity to grow. Don’t buy their invitation to be small anymore. It is time to be a BIG you. Likewise, if you are uncomfortable with others too muchness, look inward and be curious instead of asking others to stop being too much of something.
This is one way we close the separation gap between Source and ourselves and between each other. If God thought I was good enough to play basketball, create programs and classes, help others, or simply take up space and breath air as me – who am I to question it? I am supposed to run with it. Play the game. Show up. Be big Barb.
I have spent too much time questioning my value, I choosing to believe it now and live from that place. I am too much Barb and proud of it. That gets you off the hook for me asking you to do my work, asking you to be Barb. After all, I am Barbie, I have everything (Ha! Joke), but I really do have everything I need to be me, and so do you. Whenever I am true to myself, someone gets mad at me, but the people who get me become closer.
“Midlife: when the Universe grabs your shoulders and tells you ‘I’m not f-ing around, use the gifts you were given. Vulnerability is the birth place of innovation, creativity and change’.”
-Brene Brown
The new moon shadow energy this month is about owning and expressing your originality – you can’t hide. Light up the dark, check it out.
